![]() Left to your devices, you might find it easy to think of yourself as messy in comparison with others. Fortunately, two strategies can give you a lot of relief.Īccurate self-perception and metaperception require knowledge of your biases. I f you let these very human tendencies go unabated, your reward for self-awareness will be a lifetime of miserable self-sabotage. Thus, you are comparing a negatively biased view of yourself with a carefully curated portrait of others, which can understandably lead you to conclude that you are indeed a hot mess. #Brutal.” But if your brain were a Facebook profile, that’s exactly the kind of update you’d be posting day in and day out. No one posts, “My son just flunked math again. They might have been crying their eyes out or yelling at a loved one earlier in the day, but you would never know. ![]() You see your friends hiking on a sunny day-smiling, social, and cheerful. Social media massively magnifies the problem by encouraging everyone to post only happy, self-flattering things. You see others as better-adjusted than you are largely because of SOKA, so social comparison leads you to conclude that you are unusually defective. Unfortunately, the conclusions we draw while doing so tend to be inaccurate. Thinking about how others see us-called “metaperception”-seems like it should help us understand ourselves better. Some psychologists call this the “ beautiful mess effect.” We incorrectly think that others will judge us harshly for admitting to a mistake or for asking for help, when in reality people see vulnerability as sweet, or as a mark of character.Ĭomparing ourselves with others makes all of these effects worse. At the same time, we are blasé about others’ shortcomings, and even find them attractive. ![]() We are generally unforgiving of our own weaknesses and thus keep them hidden. Many people abet this asymmetry by believing that if they admit to weakness, others will perceive them more negatively than they actually do. Studies show that you are the best judge of your neuroticism those close to you are the best judges of your intellect meanwhile, everyone can accurately judge your extraversion. Rather, he probably suffers from “self-other knowledge asymmetry” (SOKA), in which he more accurately assesses the traits he hides from others, while others are more accurate than he is at evaluating certain other characteristics. The reason a person might so often compare himself negatively with others is not necessarily because he really is worse in every way. Second, there is internalized self-criticism, in which they don’t live up to their own high personal standards and expectations and thus experience a lot of daily failure. First, there is comparative self-criticism, in which they contrast themselves negatively with others, whom they conclude are superior. Most people experience self-criticism in two ways. I t is a well-studied phenomenon in psychology that if a person is healthy and normal-not a narcissist or a sociopath-she tends to focus more on her worst characteristics than her best. Want to stay current with Arthur’s writing? Sign up to get an email every time a new column comes out. Understanding this and acting accordingly can help you relax and enjoy your hot, messy life a lot more. In truth, you often think you are a lot messier than others think you are. And everyone can see them for the disaster they are. Instead, they mean that they feel steaming, churning emotional disarray-they’re unsure of themselves, insecure, neurotic. When people use this term, they generally don’t mean they’re running from the Mob, entangled in a deadly love triangle, or waking up after a bender missing a kidney. Verily, I say unto you, the public is a hot mess.” As one editorialist from 1899 wrote, “If the newspaper says the sky is painted with green chalk that is what goes. Y oung people today have a habit of describing themselves as a “hot mess.” Despite its Millennial-sounding modifier-not just a mess, but a hot one-the term is not new examples of it go back to the 19th century. Click here to listen to his podcast series on all things happiness, How to Build a Happy Life. “ How to Build a Life ” is a weekly column by Arthur Brooks, tackling questions of meaning and happiness.
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